I know every word...

Hindsight by John Reuben

I screamed to God out of frustration
After another day of waking and hating the fact
That I’m still where I’m at
What’s the point of all of this
Cuz I’m not seeming to find it
Is it meaningless? I search the reason behind it
Because these moments seem to drag on forever
And these years on end seem to have never been this
Desperation has formed repetition within
Too insecure to pretend and I’m too weak to defend
Here it comes again all in my world again
Left with no direction no beginning no end
The days blend together and the weather never changes
Numb to the outcome but yet not quite painless
Aimless to whether or not I made a mistake
And if so how far is too far before it’s too late
Should I wait but then what would be too long
To reverse the effects if I was wrong

Hindsight is a beautiful thing
When you can look back and see what patience and time can bring

Is it a must that I’m here is it a must that I stay
In order to look forward must I look away
We're moving towards a new day
Unsure of what tomorrow will bring our way
I’m not even quite sure of what this day holds
I say we travel the unknown and watch it unfold
Hold today close while still reaching for tomorrow
Through the test of time I’ve seen joy overcome sorrow
So with every trial I endure
With hopes to mature into what I was created for
More than life itself I want life itself
Press past the present until forever is felt
And take hold of the hidden mystery
Wide eyed and open I now see differently
If it’s to be then give me the strength to be content
And find peace in knowing one day it will all make sense

Learning to accept the unexpected
Because the unknown wasn’t here for me to correct it
So I let it go and stopped trying to control the impossible
Simply put tossed in the shuffle
At a young age just like everyone else
So I don’t feel sorry for you or for myself
Love is bigger than that and I’m not below or above
The way it moves even though the things it does
To my train of thought can bring about doubt and uncertainty
Patience tends to not agree with my psyche
That’s more than likely just some pride in me
Fighting expectations of where I think my life should be
Selfishly I forget so quickly
Let me never forget Lord break me in humility
Some sort of amazing grace on me
As I look back upon my life and where You’ve taken me

Hear the call peace fall
From trial to triumph I want your hand in it all
Allow me to know where to stand in it all
Life Giver

its been a while...

I haven't blogged lately. And I should have been, because its ridiculously boring at work and writing is far better than being on facebook.

Sometimes I don't feel inspired when I want to be. I want to sit here and pour out words to the keyboard and make the reader smile. But not a whole lot of people read this. Just Mark and maybe Damaris. So I'll just type today.

The King blessed me today by letting me wake up again to my wonderful husband. My hair is doing nice things today, and I had some wonderful Bombay Chai with honey and milk. Its a pretty good day. I snuck in to work today wearing jeans, which is nice, because I love jeans. I'm listening to my wonderful husband's band, Blue Condition (here, and here, too...) and I'm so excited for whats in store for them. Hopefully very big things. Readers, become fans! They're gettin' big!

And, yes, its the day before Valentine's Day. Its never bothered when I was single like it bothers so many. I do think its a little cheesy.

OH MY! It is 2 weeks (almost) before our 1 year anniversary!!! WOW! March, 1st, people!! The Father is so gracious. I pray for 80 more years if we can live that long! I love Jeremy so very much, and I'm so proud of this first year! It has been fun!

And now, cute pictures:

This seems very Valentine's-y. Very cute. :) See, affection takes EFFORT!

Cuppa Tea. My new brew. MUCH healthier than coffee. True story.

OK, I don't remember where I got this picture, but I believe it was taken at an Australian Beach. Left side: fireworks, Right side: Lightening, Middle: Shooting Stars. - God. Is. Amazing. (click on pic for bigger image...)

Yes, I did get this tattoo on my right shoulder blade in red for my Grammy. My mommy got one, too.

Chelsa on her wedding day! The 506 girls!!! Laura, Alison, Chelsa, me and Damaris!!! BEAUTIFUL!

heartache

I miss cooking. To the point of tears this very moment. I was just reading a blog about a line cook. Seeing the line, the coats, that special swagger a cook has. Being a part of that team. I miss the rush, the feeling of accomplishment after a very busy day. I even miss the grumpy, dirty minded, hung over chefs that yell at you. I miss being one of the only white girls in the kitchen and still kicking butt. I wanna be there. Knife in hand. Strong arms. Cuts. Burns. Dirty Crocs. Fast chops. Better pizzas than anyone. Yes Chef. Reggae. 86. Toughness. It was cool. And most of all, it was my identity. And I threw away my identity.

I loved so much being a part of that world. I dont know if its just today, but I have been thinking about it a lot lately. But I'm so stubborn that I dont know if I could do it again. I just got so burnt. If I hate it so much, then why is it that every time I go see my husband at work(the Bistro where I cooked, where we met) I question what I'm doing. My heart hurts to think about it.

I love food. Maybe I should just leave it at that.


I miss this.

Girls can play with knives too :)

snow, hey oh!

That is snow. Up close and personal snow. Its so amazing to me because when we see snow, hold it in our hands, we don't even realize that its been constructed, molded, formed by the Creator. Look at the intricacy of the Father. A melting masterpiece. Once again, proof that He loves us.

Awe

Yesterday me and Jeremy were headed to church in Denison. I was incredibly tired and we were listening to some Chandler on the way. I always pay attention to the sky and yesterdays was like an symphony in the atmosphere. I look to my right, the northeast side of the sky to see a barely there full moon peeking over the horizon. It was so pale, it almost blended in with the sky. But it was HUGE. See, when the moon is at the horizon, it creates the illusion of width. Or closeness, really. The moon is still as far away as it always is, but when it is at the horizon, it seems bigger. So I'm drooling on the window because of God's grace letting me see this, watching it grow brighter and brighter as it ascends the evening sky. And to my left, or southwest-ish side, the sun is setting. I see a sundog, which makes me happy because I know what it is. Its hard to explain, so I wont. Anyway, there were pinks, oranges, blues, whites...all brushstrokes of the King. I was surrounded by His glory. Enough words, now pictures. (Er, not pictures from yesterday, but examples...)

This is actually what is called 'Harvest Moon'. Not what I saw yesterday EXACTLY, but similar.

Sundogs are those little bits of rainbow you see when it usually hasn't rained. Its obviously the same effect as a rainbow, but in small form. There is just enough moisture in the clouds in a little spot and the sun is hitting it just the right way, creating a mini rainbow. Speaking of, RAINBOWS, contrary to popular belief, are not a symbol of a certain community, but a symbol of God's promise:

Then God said to Noah and to his sons with him, "Behold, I establish my covenant with you and your offspring after you, and with every living creature that is with you, the birds, the livestock, and every beast of the earth with you, as many as came out of the ark; it is for every beast of the earth. I establish my covenant with you, that never again shall all flesh be cut off by the waters of the flood, and never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth." And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth. When I bring clouds over the earth and the bow is seen in the clouds, I will remember my covenant that is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh. And the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. When the bow is in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth." God said to Noah, "This is the sign of the covenant that I have established between me and all flesh that is on the earth." Genesis 9:8-17

nothing.

I'm not a people person. I cant start conversation. I don't look as cool as you. I cant pull off new trends. I really do hate it when you talk over me. I haven't sent out my wedding thank yous. I have the lowest self esteem ever. I don't think that you like me. I cant be myself cause everyone else is cooler than that. I feel stupid. I cry a lot. I'm sitting here at my desk, wishing I was the sunshine, cause it would make me feel better about who I was. When someone asks me what I do for fun I genuinely cant think of an answer. I always feel like I've failed.

Ok, I know this is just how I'm feeling right now. I'm not completely destressed. Just overwhelmed today. I could definitely spend the rest of my night hiding. But I still wanna be the sunshine.

Anniversary

Today Jesus and I are celebrating our 8 year anniversary. Its been easier for Him than it has for me. Sometimes I forget that we are together and find myself wandering hopelessly. But then He finds me, forgives me and loves me still. Its been a hard yet wonderful 8 years.