Nickels and tears

There is this place in my heart that is a little tattered. It started when I was little, even though I didnt realize it was happening. He was distant and awkward. When he was sort of sober, we would laugh and watch Saturday Night Live and eat crab legs. I tried to stay away when he wasnt sober. My mom finally made the decision to stay away for good and we moved out.

I was never bitter until then. I never knew how much it was hurting until it wasnt there. I was never bitter about the divorce. Because I knew that was necessary for my mother's sanity. Father's Day made me bitter. Stories of father/daughter dates made me bitter. Because I never knew what that was like and I never will.

He's sick. He's 400 miles away and I havent seen or talked to him since the wedding. But I'm ok with the distance. And I'm ok with not communicating with him. Its not like we dont know where each other are and its not like we dont care. Its just how things are. Do I wish it were different? Do I wish I could know him like some of my girlfriends know their dads? Sure. And I think he does too. But I'm ok with it not being ok.

I think about him a lot. Every time I see a nickel I think of him. There is a 1951 nickel on my sidetable right now because of him. I love my dad. I hope he knows that...