Slowly...

Coming back to His feet. Slowly understanding His grace. No song lyrics today, just thoughts. Just me and the Father. I feel like all that has been happening is undeserved, like He's hinting to me that He's still got it all in His hands and will bless even if to get my attention. I praise Him. For Jeremy being ok from his wreck. For letting the band do good things. For letting me feel better. For getting our money situation in line. And I ask His forgiveness for not thanking Him until now. Praise Him for the family that we need and for the grace we need more. Praise Him for the earthly man of mine who helps me be a better person.

My King, help me to breathe. You supply the breath. Praise you, Savior.

Recently...

Miserable Exaggeration by John Reuben

Inconsistent my feeling change quicker than
I can get the words out
And tell you what I’m thinking
Inconsistent I don’t have much grace or patience
I hold this grudge and my tongue no further statements
It plays out in my mind
All the lost words I could have used to describe
And even though it’s left such a bad taste in my mouth
I guess I’d rather swallow my pride than spit it out
Failure cuts the spirit to hear
That’s why I have to let my pride interfere
I’ll take it from there
If you see me acting differently
Don’t worry
That’s just me dialoging with me internally
About the hypothetical over-analytical
Still what do I know
Central Ohio’s grey skies provide a lot of time to be stuck inside
Close the world out
Introvert's paradise
It’s that wishy washy topsy turvy monotony
I’ve been here before both emotionally and logically
You know that you know until the wind blows
It’s as easy as no and as hard as no
People-pleasers never win
Spread yourself too thin
It’s best to just do what you feel in the end
But you’ll change how you feel for the sake of the truth
When the world you’re living in becomes bigger than you

What a miserable exaggeration

Happier said than done

What a wasted conversation

In my head everyone was interested

Everyone was listening

Fragile: Handle with care

Jeremy was in a wreck. Here's the story:


1:15 am - early wednesday morning.so i'm driving home from playing cards with j-mak. i'm going north on 75 and there's hardly anyone else on the road. i'm in the left lane and there's an 18 wheeler a few hundred feet ahead of me, one lane over. no big deal. i'm going about 5 mph faster than he is, so i'll be passing him in a few seconds. no one else around that i can tell.then this dark streak comes whizzing by on the right, passing in front of me and heading into my lane. some guy on a motorcycle, easily going over 100 mph. he's trying to dart behind this rig into my lane, and he's going crazy fast. well he doesn't cut fast enough. his bike slams into the back of the 18 wheeler, right on the left rear tire and his bike just explodes into pieces. as soon as he hits the truck, its like a grenade went off. a ball of smoke and debris. pieces start flying to the left, into my lane, cuz of the angle he was taking. i'm going 70 mph and dodging pieces of this guy's bike in the left lane while trying to avoid hitting the truck on my right and the center wall on my left.eventually i see whats left of his bike hit the ground in front of my car, and its just a charred shell of a motorcycle by now. the rider is nowhere in site, and for all i know i'd already run him over amidst all the chaos. the bike bounces off the pavement and lands on the hood of my car, right above my right headlight and bounces off again, coming to rest in the 2nd left lane and just burning like rubble. oil from the bike sprayed all over my windshield, a clear/green color.

this is what your car looks like after a motorcycle falls on it out of the sky.
i finally get a hold of my car's steering again (i'd been swerving all over the left lane and the median) and pull off to the side, and i'm just shocked. i've never seen anything like this. it was like those crashes you see on insane tv shows. the speed this guy was moving at, it looked like a rocket had been launched at the truck. i knew as soon as it happened he was gone. there's no way he was gonna survive. people behind us said they found him about 300 feet from where his bike landed, next to the median, almost impossible to see from the road.

eventually my battery went dead from the impact. my flashers went out and i couldn't start my car, even to roll my window up.
well i got to spend the next 3 hours out there talking to police and getting my car towed home. i was tired, i was starving, my adrenaline was kicked in and i felt shaky in my legs. its hard to believe it still happened. my words don't do the crash any justice at all. it was just one of the most unbelieveable sights i have ever seen.... ever.

a few feet more and that bike would have been riding shot gun.
the thing i still feel pretty bad about is i never heard anything about the rider. i knew he was dead as soon as it happened, he had to be. but i never found out his name or anything about him. and no one will know what he was thinking when it happened or why he was doing it. its sad.

two today...

I really dont know what I'm wanting to write about today. I'm grumpy today and its making me remember my depravity. The day is fine, I feel ok. But I also feel like I could punch a baby. I wont. There arent any around.

I just wish I could enjoy the weather and sunshine today and not feel trapped in the hotel and angry when I leave that I was there so long. I want to work out after work but I know I'm not going to feel like it later.

I'm frustrated.

I need to take a nap.

:P

*sigh*

Lyrics to Bad Days Better by Shane and Shane

You have made my day
Even in stormy weather
I’m dancing in all the rain
Cause you make bad days…
Great is the way
When you come to mind
I am smiling ear to ear
Sweet thoughts of you
I’m always in the mood
To twirl around with you
While it’s raining
Even if it’s a dream
Great is the way
That I am unafraid
When I see you
All my fear goes away
Bad days are coming
Rainy days are always around
But if I can see you
One glance upon you
The sun comes out
I’m dancing in all the rain
Cause you make bad days better

The sky

Every morning if I wake up on time, I can see the Father's beautiful creations in the atmosphere. The pink and yawning clouds, glowing with the morning sun. I try not to swerve as I stare at the bright white and silver masses greeting me. Its so beautiful. And this morning, there was just enough haze over the sun that I could stare right at it, big, orange and perfect. It reminded me of its noctural better half glowing like that.

Speaking of, I dont know if I like day or night better. Dusk and dawn are definitely some of the most beautiful things in the world, but I could stare at the stars forever. If there's any one thing that makes me doubt and understand God's might and glory at the same time, its the night sky. The constellations amaze me because the image we see is hundreds, thousands, if not billions of years old. The galaxies, the moons, the planets, it all is a small glimse of His character. To make things that gigantic and perplex that we are barely scratching the surface of figuring out how and why they are there. The sky, the universe stirs my heart and my affections for my King. Oh how I long for Him when I see His beautiful atmosphere.

And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the heavens to separate the day from the night. And let them be for signs and for seasons, and for days and years, and let them be lights in the expanse of the heavens to give light upon the earth." And it was so. - Genesis 1:14,15

Nickels and tears

There is this place in my heart that is a little tattered. It started when I was little, even though I didnt realize it was happening. He was distant and awkward. When he was sort of sober, we would laugh and watch Saturday Night Live and eat crab legs. I tried to stay away when he wasnt sober. My mom finally made the decision to stay away for good and we moved out.

I was never bitter until then. I never knew how much it was hurting until it wasnt there. I was never bitter about the divorce. Because I knew that was necessary for my mother's sanity. Father's Day made me bitter. Stories of father/daughter dates made me bitter. Because I never knew what that was like and I never will.

He's sick. He's 400 miles away and I havent seen or talked to him since the wedding. But I'm ok with the distance. And I'm ok with not communicating with him. Its not like we dont know where each other are and its not like we dont care. Its just how things are. Do I wish it were different? Do I wish I could know him like some of my girlfriends know their dads? Sure. And I think he does too. But I'm ok with it not being ok.

I think about him a lot. Every time I see a nickel I think of him. There is a 1951 nickel on my sidetable right now because of him. I love my dad. I hope he knows that...