Nickels and tears

There is this place in my heart that is a little tattered. It started when I was little, even though I didnt realize it was happening. He was distant and awkward. When he was sort of sober, we would laugh and watch Saturday Night Live and eat crab legs. I tried to stay away when he wasnt sober. My mom finally made the decision to stay away for good and we moved out.

I was never bitter until then. I never knew how much it was hurting until it wasnt there. I was never bitter about the divorce. Because I knew that was necessary for my mother's sanity. Father's Day made me bitter. Stories of father/daughter dates made me bitter. Because I never knew what that was like and I never will.

He's sick. He's 400 miles away and I havent seen or talked to him since the wedding. But I'm ok with the distance. And I'm ok with not communicating with him. Its not like we dont know where each other are and its not like we dont care. Its just how things are. Do I wish it were different? Do I wish I could know him like some of my girlfriends know their dads? Sure. And I think he does too. But I'm ok with it not being ok.

I think about him a lot. Every time I see a nickel I think of him. There is a 1951 nickel on my sidetable right now because of him. I love my dad. I hope he knows that...

Convenience and Freedom

We are having to sell my car because we need to be using that money to pay other bills. I hate it because its more than just a way of transportation and convenience to me. My car is where I can be alone and quiet and it has taken me a long time to be able to get my own car. My OWN car. And it was new and it was a fight to get it because my uncle and my grandad were telling me over and over that I wouldnt be able to do it. So I'm sad. Its just more of my independence being taken from me.

What is integrity?

I think that the Father is teaching me something different right now. I've never been a generally bad person. And I know that in relation to the Kingdom, "good" and "bad" dont really hold much weight. When I was little I never stole or cussed or purposfully disobeyed my mom mainly because I hated that rotten feeling that your soul gets after doing bad things. And even now I really cant just go about being unnecessarily evil. However, I've happened along some personal shortcomings that are keeping my spirit uneasy.

Mainly at work. I've adapted this secretive dishonesty. Lying about sickness a little too much. Taking candy or food without paying for it. I'm usually ok for a while, then I come to realize that I've been doing things that are not only contradictory to my personality but the integrity of the Kingdom.

I do know that having your sin being pointed out in public is one way for a person to realize that they need to stop. I havent really been accused openly by anyone but myself and most certainly the Holy Spirit. My friend D is good at letting me know every once in a while that I'm short-changing my faith. I appreciate that. Humbleness, I believe, is the stitches that help heal the wound.

So, integrity. The word, like so many, stirs up not only some tattoo inspiration, but stirs in me the wanting to be not a "good" person but a morally aware, Kingdom-minded person. I hope that Christ can further stir in me the will to persue this and not let my shortcomings defy my faith. I do praise Him for the grace to let me realize that I need Him.

Root of all evil...

So money is a problem right now. And I hate it because its stressing me out. I dont know how we got this far behind. I feel like my mother when dealing with money issues. I dont want me and Jeremy to be in debt really bad. I want us to be able to pay for stuff. I'd rather us be able to pay for the things we need to and not be able to get nice things than not even be able to buy groceries like right now. But I trust You, King. Help us to trust you.

For now, my eyes hurt...