heartache

I miss cooking. To the point of tears this very moment. I was just reading a blog about a line cook. Seeing the line, the coats, that special swagger a cook has. Being a part of that team. I miss the rush, the feeling of accomplishment after a very busy day. I even miss the grumpy, dirty minded, hung over chefs that yell at you. I miss being one of the only white girls in the kitchen and still kicking butt. I wanna be there. Knife in hand. Strong arms. Cuts. Burns. Dirty Crocs. Fast chops. Better pizzas than anyone. Yes Chef. Reggae. 86. Toughness. It was cool. And most of all, it was my identity. And I threw away my identity.

I loved so much being a part of that world. I dont know if its just today, but I have been thinking about it a lot lately. But I'm so stubborn that I dont know if I could do it again. I just got so burnt. If I hate it so much, then why is it that every time I go see my husband at work(the Bistro where I cooked, where we met) I question what I'm doing. My heart hurts to think about it.

I love food. Maybe I should just leave it at that.


I miss this.

Girls can play with knives too :)

snow, hey oh!

That is snow. Up close and personal snow. Its so amazing to me because when we see snow, hold it in our hands, we don't even realize that its been constructed, molded, formed by the Creator. Look at the intricacy of the Father. A melting masterpiece. Once again, proof that He loves us.

Awe

Yesterday me and Jeremy were headed to church in Denison. I was incredibly tired and we were listening to some Chandler on the way. I always pay attention to the sky and yesterdays was like an symphony in the atmosphere. I look to my right, the northeast side of the sky to see a barely there full moon peeking over the horizon. It was so pale, it almost blended in with the sky. But it was HUGE. See, when the moon is at the horizon, it creates the illusion of width. Or closeness, really. The moon is still as far away as it always is, but when it is at the horizon, it seems bigger. So I'm drooling on the window because of God's grace letting me see this, watching it grow brighter and brighter as it ascends the evening sky. And to my left, or southwest-ish side, the sun is setting. I see a sundog, which makes me happy because I know what it is. Its hard to explain, so I wont. Anyway, there were pinks, oranges, blues, whites...all brushstrokes of the King. I was surrounded by His glory. Enough words, now pictures. (Er, not pictures from yesterday, but examples...)

This is actually what is called 'Harvest Moon'. Not what I saw yesterday EXACTLY, but similar.

Sundogs are those little bits of rainbow you see when it usually hasn't rained. Its obviously the same effect as a rainbow, but in small form. There is just enough moisture in the clouds in a little spot and the sun is hitting it just the right way, creating a mini rainbow. Speaking of, RAINBOWS, contrary to popular belief, are not a symbol of a certain community, but a symbol of God's promise:

Then God said to Noah and to his sons with him, "Behold, I establish my covenant with you and your offspring after you, and with every living creature that is with you, the birds, the livestock, and every beast of the earth with you, as many as came out of the ark; it is for every beast of the earth. I establish my covenant with you, that never again shall all flesh be cut off by the waters of the flood, and never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth." And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth. When I bring clouds over the earth and the bow is seen in the clouds, I will remember my covenant that is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh. And the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. When the bow is in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth." God said to Noah, "This is the sign of the covenant that I have established between me and all flesh that is on the earth." Genesis 9:8-17

nothing.

I'm not a people person. I cant start conversation. I don't look as cool as you. I cant pull off new trends. I really do hate it when you talk over me. I haven't sent out my wedding thank yous. I have the lowest self esteem ever. I don't think that you like me. I cant be myself cause everyone else is cooler than that. I feel stupid. I cry a lot. I'm sitting here at my desk, wishing I was the sunshine, cause it would make me feel better about who I was. When someone asks me what I do for fun I genuinely cant think of an answer. I always feel like I've failed.

Ok, I know this is just how I'm feeling right now. I'm not completely destressed. Just overwhelmed today. I could definitely spend the rest of my night hiding. But I still wanna be the sunshine.

Anniversary

Today Jesus and I are celebrating our 8 year anniversary. Its been easier for Him than it has for me. Sometimes I forget that we are together and find myself wandering hopelessly. But then He finds me, forgives me and loves me still. Its been a hard yet wonderful 8 years.

still not...

Ok. We're not ok. I'm not ok. We've been missing church for a long time cause of gas prices. I miss the family. I hate it. Our schedule is all messed up. I just wish I could be at 'that place' but 'that place' will never come if I dont try. If I dont come to His feet and give up.

I dont know what to do. I get so distracted by the day and we just sit on the couch and watch movies. We have so many shows, we cant go to church on Saturday nights. I miss my girls. I miss the Father.

I'm gonna go drink some tea. And ponder the King.

Slowly...

Coming back to His feet. Slowly understanding His grace. No song lyrics today, just thoughts. Just me and the Father. I feel like all that has been happening is undeserved, like He's hinting to me that He's still got it all in His hands and will bless even if to get my attention. I praise Him. For Jeremy being ok from his wreck. For letting the band do good things. For letting me feel better. For getting our money situation in line. And I ask His forgiveness for not thanking Him until now. Praise Him for the family that we need and for the grace we need more. Praise Him for the earthly man of mine who helps me be a better person.

My King, help me to breathe. You supply the breath. Praise you, Savior.

Recently...

Miserable Exaggeration by John Reuben

Inconsistent my feeling change quicker than
I can get the words out
And tell you what I’m thinking
Inconsistent I don’t have much grace or patience
I hold this grudge and my tongue no further statements
It plays out in my mind
All the lost words I could have used to describe
And even though it’s left such a bad taste in my mouth
I guess I’d rather swallow my pride than spit it out
Failure cuts the spirit to hear
That’s why I have to let my pride interfere
I’ll take it from there
If you see me acting differently
Don’t worry
That’s just me dialoging with me internally
About the hypothetical over-analytical
Still what do I know
Central Ohio’s grey skies provide a lot of time to be stuck inside
Close the world out
Introvert's paradise
It’s that wishy washy topsy turvy monotony
I’ve been here before both emotionally and logically
You know that you know until the wind blows
It’s as easy as no and as hard as no
People-pleasers never win
Spread yourself too thin
It’s best to just do what you feel in the end
But you’ll change how you feel for the sake of the truth
When the world you’re living in becomes bigger than you

What a miserable exaggeration

Happier said than done

What a wasted conversation

In my head everyone was interested

Everyone was listening

Fragile: Handle with care

Jeremy was in a wreck. Here's the story:


1:15 am - early wednesday morning.so i'm driving home from playing cards with j-mak. i'm going north on 75 and there's hardly anyone else on the road. i'm in the left lane and there's an 18 wheeler a few hundred feet ahead of me, one lane over. no big deal. i'm going about 5 mph faster than he is, so i'll be passing him in a few seconds. no one else around that i can tell.then this dark streak comes whizzing by on the right, passing in front of me and heading into my lane. some guy on a motorcycle, easily going over 100 mph. he's trying to dart behind this rig into my lane, and he's going crazy fast. well he doesn't cut fast enough. his bike slams into the back of the 18 wheeler, right on the left rear tire and his bike just explodes into pieces. as soon as he hits the truck, its like a grenade went off. a ball of smoke and debris. pieces start flying to the left, into my lane, cuz of the angle he was taking. i'm going 70 mph and dodging pieces of this guy's bike in the left lane while trying to avoid hitting the truck on my right and the center wall on my left.eventually i see whats left of his bike hit the ground in front of my car, and its just a charred shell of a motorcycle by now. the rider is nowhere in site, and for all i know i'd already run him over amidst all the chaos. the bike bounces off the pavement and lands on the hood of my car, right above my right headlight and bounces off again, coming to rest in the 2nd left lane and just burning like rubble. oil from the bike sprayed all over my windshield, a clear/green color.

this is what your car looks like after a motorcycle falls on it out of the sky.
i finally get a hold of my car's steering again (i'd been swerving all over the left lane and the median) and pull off to the side, and i'm just shocked. i've never seen anything like this. it was like those crashes you see on insane tv shows. the speed this guy was moving at, it looked like a rocket had been launched at the truck. i knew as soon as it happened he was gone. there's no way he was gonna survive. people behind us said they found him about 300 feet from where his bike landed, next to the median, almost impossible to see from the road.

eventually my battery went dead from the impact. my flashers went out and i couldn't start my car, even to roll my window up.
well i got to spend the next 3 hours out there talking to police and getting my car towed home. i was tired, i was starving, my adrenaline was kicked in and i felt shaky in my legs. its hard to believe it still happened. my words don't do the crash any justice at all. it was just one of the most unbelieveable sights i have ever seen.... ever.

a few feet more and that bike would have been riding shot gun.
the thing i still feel pretty bad about is i never heard anything about the rider. i knew he was dead as soon as it happened, he had to be. but i never found out his name or anything about him. and no one will know what he was thinking when it happened or why he was doing it. its sad.

two today...

I really dont know what I'm wanting to write about today. I'm grumpy today and its making me remember my depravity. The day is fine, I feel ok. But I also feel like I could punch a baby. I wont. There arent any around.

I just wish I could enjoy the weather and sunshine today and not feel trapped in the hotel and angry when I leave that I was there so long. I want to work out after work but I know I'm not going to feel like it later.

I'm frustrated.

I need to take a nap.

:P

*sigh*

Lyrics to Bad Days Better by Shane and Shane

You have made my day
Even in stormy weather
I’m dancing in all the rain
Cause you make bad days…
Great is the way
When you come to mind
I am smiling ear to ear
Sweet thoughts of you
I’m always in the mood
To twirl around with you
While it’s raining
Even if it’s a dream
Great is the way
That I am unafraid
When I see you
All my fear goes away
Bad days are coming
Rainy days are always around
But if I can see you
One glance upon you
The sun comes out
I’m dancing in all the rain
Cause you make bad days better

The sky

Every morning if I wake up on time, I can see the Father's beautiful creations in the atmosphere. The pink and yawning clouds, glowing with the morning sun. I try not to swerve as I stare at the bright white and silver masses greeting me. Its so beautiful. And this morning, there was just enough haze over the sun that I could stare right at it, big, orange and perfect. It reminded me of its noctural better half glowing like that.

Speaking of, I dont know if I like day or night better. Dusk and dawn are definitely some of the most beautiful things in the world, but I could stare at the stars forever. If there's any one thing that makes me doubt and understand God's might and glory at the same time, its the night sky. The constellations amaze me because the image we see is hundreds, thousands, if not billions of years old. The galaxies, the moons, the planets, it all is a small glimse of His character. To make things that gigantic and perplex that we are barely scratching the surface of figuring out how and why they are there. The sky, the universe stirs my heart and my affections for my King. Oh how I long for Him when I see His beautiful atmosphere.

And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the heavens to separate the day from the night. And let them be for signs and for seasons, and for days and years, and let them be lights in the expanse of the heavens to give light upon the earth." And it was so. - Genesis 1:14,15

Nickels and tears

There is this place in my heart that is a little tattered. It started when I was little, even though I didnt realize it was happening. He was distant and awkward. When he was sort of sober, we would laugh and watch Saturday Night Live and eat crab legs. I tried to stay away when he wasnt sober. My mom finally made the decision to stay away for good and we moved out.

I was never bitter until then. I never knew how much it was hurting until it wasnt there. I was never bitter about the divorce. Because I knew that was necessary for my mother's sanity. Father's Day made me bitter. Stories of father/daughter dates made me bitter. Because I never knew what that was like and I never will.

He's sick. He's 400 miles away and I havent seen or talked to him since the wedding. But I'm ok with the distance. And I'm ok with not communicating with him. Its not like we dont know where each other are and its not like we dont care. Its just how things are. Do I wish it were different? Do I wish I could know him like some of my girlfriends know their dads? Sure. And I think he does too. But I'm ok with it not being ok.

I think about him a lot. Every time I see a nickel I think of him. There is a 1951 nickel on my sidetable right now because of him. I love my dad. I hope he knows that...

Convenience and Freedom

We are having to sell my car because we need to be using that money to pay other bills. I hate it because its more than just a way of transportation and convenience to me. My car is where I can be alone and quiet and it has taken me a long time to be able to get my own car. My OWN car. And it was new and it was a fight to get it because my uncle and my grandad were telling me over and over that I wouldnt be able to do it. So I'm sad. Its just more of my independence being taken from me.

What is integrity?

I think that the Father is teaching me something different right now. I've never been a generally bad person. And I know that in relation to the Kingdom, "good" and "bad" dont really hold much weight. When I was little I never stole or cussed or purposfully disobeyed my mom mainly because I hated that rotten feeling that your soul gets after doing bad things. And even now I really cant just go about being unnecessarily evil. However, I've happened along some personal shortcomings that are keeping my spirit uneasy.

Mainly at work. I've adapted this secretive dishonesty. Lying about sickness a little too much. Taking candy or food without paying for it. I'm usually ok for a while, then I come to realize that I've been doing things that are not only contradictory to my personality but the integrity of the Kingdom.

I do know that having your sin being pointed out in public is one way for a person to realize that they need to stop. I havent really been accused openly by anyone but myself and most certainly the Holy Spirit. My friend D is good at letting me know every once in a while that I'm short-changing my faith. I appreciate that. Humbleness, I believe, is the stitches that help heal the wound.

So, integrity. The word, like so many, stirs up not only some tattoo inspiration, but stirs in me the wanting to be not a "good" person but a morally aware, Kingdom-minded person. I hope that Christ can further stir in me the will to persue this and not let my shortcomings defy my faith. I do praise Him for the grace to let me realize that I need Him.

Root of all evil...

So money is a problem right now. And I hate it because its stressing me out. I dont know how we got this far behind. I feel like my mother when dealing with money issues. I dont want me and Jeremy to be in debt really bad. I want us to be able to pay for stuff. I'd rather us be able to pay for the things we need to and not be able to get nice things than not even be able to buy groceries like right now. But I trust You, King. Help us to trust you.

For now, my eyes hurt...

Sunny mornings

There is a group in the hotel right now attending the Luis Palau Celebrate Freedom conferences. Its frustrating sometimes to have to deal with other Christians. I dont really know why. But I think God was trying to get my attention today. A boy came up and asked to borrow a pen. He had his bible out and was writing something. Now in my world, seeing bibles out and people writing in them or in a joural is no new thing. But maybe it was the way the sun was so bright at that moment or just seeing the bible at work. It just made my heart break for myself. That sounds selfish. Because as a Christian I should be breaking for others. But I know that the condition of my soul isnt what it should be. I dont know what it was in that moment that made me want to try harder, to live on purpose and to persue the Father. I want to. My heart yearns to. I know that its not an automatic feeling to have zeal for the King. It has to be worked on, it has to be conditioned. Sweet Jesus, stir my affections.

Words of a liar

This song is called "Embracing Accusation" by Shane and Shane. Its beautiful to read just the words, but of course, without the music you dont get the full Shane and Shane effect. So read it and ponder, then buy the CD and be amazed.

The father of lies
Coming to steal
Kill and destroy
All my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!
The devil is preaching
The song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing accusation
Could the father of lies
Be telling the truth
Of God to me tonight?
If the penalty of sin is death
Then death is mine
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!
Oh the devil’s singing over me
An age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently
He’s forgotten the refrain
Jesus saves!

Holding my breath

I'm having a hard time with patience. Or maybe I'm just being stubborn and lazy. I'm at work and I'm getting frustrated with all the calls and people wanting cheaper rates and having to even be here. I want more money, but less work. Yes. Stubborn, selfish sin. So I guess the question now would be am I going to do something about it.

I just need to breathe. Days like today make me feel like I just need to go and hide. I want to leave early today. But I know I shouldnt.

...And theres the phone again...

Oh, Father I cant handle these people today. Please help me get to 3 o'clock. 6 hours...

Clouds

I was reading today about an Austrian father who had been keeping half of his family captive in the basement, not letting them see the light of day. The other half of the family, including his wife and children had no idea of the happenings in the basement. Its an incredibly sad story. The father had an ongoing incestuous relationship with his daughter who mothered 7 of their children. Finally, one of the oldest, Kirsten, got sick and had to be taken to the hospital. To make a long story very short, the father is in prison and the family is slowly healing. But what I read today made me know that God does what pleases Him and He will reveal Himself in situations that seem hopeless. The girl, Kirsten, after waking up from an artifical coma and finally being exposed to the outside world, would get excited about the normal things we see everyday. Doctors said that a cloud passing by made her giddy. Hearing a certain song that she had never heard before made the girl so excited that she eventually had to be forced to sit still. So in lue of the horrendous situations the captives had faced, their "father" in jail and the mass confusion with the relationships created, the girl still could find joy in the little things. It made me realize how we take such liberties as clouds or music for granted. Perhaps the Father places the little things around so that we can see and remember His glory, grace and love. I dont think we have to be depraved to see them either. Maybe the pain and hurt that we feel are His way of making us see the things that He lavishes us with every day. Praise Him for the clouds.

One year...

So its been a year since I met the family. And its been a year since I've written anything. I guess because I've been too busy living with 5 girls, quitting jobs, quitting school and planning a wedding. A lot has happened in a year.

I'll recap. I moved in with Chelsa, Damaris and Laura at the 506. Things got messy quick 'cause 4 girls living together can create, or rather merge, all the clutter. And it was only a 2 bedroom apartment. But it was amazing. Then Alison moved in. She's Damaris' friend from Belton/Temple. And later in the year, the girls kidnapped Natasha and she moved in, too. So 6 girls in a 2 bedroom apartment. Talk about living in community. The boys, Jacob, Derek and Trousey, lived down the street.

I dont believe I have enough time to go through all that happened. We took in a stray named Ashley and that lead to me owing almost $1000 to my old apartment. From various hospital visits to engagements, to not having jobs and finally having new jobs. The Father has taken us through so much, it seems like we could all write a book. And we all know He's not done yet. Cause He's still working and we're still trying to listen and love. And through all the tears and laughter, I know that we'd never take any of it back.

Ok, now for me and Jeremy. Its definitely been a fast year. So shortly after breaking off a year and a half long, spiritually damaging relationship with a non-believer, Jeremy and I went back and fourth with dating. I just wasnt sure or wasnt ready for a little bit before I knew I wanted to be with him. That was in June. We got engaged in September and married in March. I know it seems very quick, but I know it couldnt have happened any other way. The Father worked through that bad relationship to create this unbelievable experience with a family of believers that I coudnt have even known how to ask for. I praise Him for doing what he wants.

Not that all is ok. Life gets you weird sometimes. And not necessarily in the way you'd like. Its the weirdest thing in the world to go through depression when you never have before. Because before it actually happens, you dont really believe in it. You just kinda think it happens to people who are either really messed up or have lost all they have. But me? I'm here with an amazing group of friends, the best husband in the world and still I am crying uncontrollably, day after day. I didnt understand it. There was no reason for it. Either stress or subconciously not being able to deal with various things. I was scared in my own house. Terrified at night when we went to bed and scared to death in the morning when I woke up for work. Constantly doubting Jeremy's love for me. I hate it sometimes that I have to be on pills now to be not scared and to not cry so much. Damaris says that one day I dont have to be. That I'll be able to trust Him more than I do and it will be easier to deal with life. I also hate it that it has become hard for me to trust the Father, after all that has happened in the past year. I'll continue writing, and we'll see what the next year brings.