Sunny mornings

There is a group in the hotel right now attending the Luis Palau Celebrate Freedom conferences. Its frustrating sometimes to have to deal with other Christians. I dont really know why. But I think God was trying to get my attention today. A boy came up and asked to borrow a pen. He had his bible out and was writing something. Now in my world, seeing bibles out and people writing in them or in a joural is no new thing. But maybe it was the way the sun was so bright at that moment or just seeing the bible at work. It just made my heart break for myself. That sounds selfish. Because as a Christian I should be breaking for others. But I know that the condition of my soul isnt what it should be. I dont know what it was in that moment that made me want to try harder, to live on purpose and to persue the Father. I want to. My heart yearns to. I know that its not an automatic feeling to have zeal for the King. It has to be worked on, it has to be conditioned. Sweet Jesus, stir my affections.

Words of a liar

This song is called "Embracing Accusation" by Shane and Shane. Its beautiful to read just the words, but of course, without the music you dont get the full Shane and Shane effect. So read it and ponder, then buy the CD and be amazed.

The father of lies
Coming to steal
Kill and destroy
All my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!
The devil is preaching
The song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing accusation
Could the father of lies
Be telling the truth
Of God to me tonight?
If the penalty of sin is death
Then death is mine
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!
Oh the devil’s singing over me
An age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently
He’s forgotten the refrain
Jesus saves!

Holding my breath

I'm having a hard time with patience. Or maybe I'm just being stubborn and lazy. I'm at work and I'm getting frustrated with all the calls and people wanting cheaper rates and having to even be here. I want more money, but less work. Yes. Stubborn, selfish sin. So I guess the question now would be am I going to do something about it.

I just need to breathe. Days like today make me feel like I just need to go and hide. I want to leave early today. But I know I shouldnt.

...And theres the phone again...

Oh, Father I cant handle these people today. Please help me get to 3 o'clock. 6 hours...

Clouds

I was reading today about an Austrian father who had been keeping half of his family captive in the basement, not letting them see the light of day. The other half of the family, including his wife and children had no idea of the happenings in the basement. Its an incredibly sad story. The father had an ongoing incestuous relationship with his daughter who mothered 7 of their children. Finally, one of the oldest, Kirsten, got sick and had to be taken to the hospital. To make a long story very short, the father is in prison and the family is slowly healing. But what I read today made me know that God does what pleases Him and He will reveal Himself in situations that seem hopeless. The girl, Kirsten, after waking up from an artifical coma and finally being exposed to the outside world, would get excited about the normal things we see everyday. Doctors said that a cloud passing by made her giddy. Hearing a certain song that she had never heard before made the girl so excited that she eventually had to be forced to sit still. So in lue of the horrendous situations the captives had faced, their "father" in jail and the mass confusion with the relationships created, the girl still could find joy in the little things. It made me realize how we take such liberties as clouds or music for granted. Perhaps the Father places the little things around so that we can see and remember His glory, grace and love. I dont think we have to be depraved to see them either. Maybe the pain and hurt that we feel are His way of making us see the things that He lavishes us with every day. Praise Him for the clouds.

One year...

So its been a year since I met the family. And its been a year since I've written anything. I guess because I've been too busy living with 5 girls, quitting jobs, quitting school and planning a wedding. A lot has happened in a year.

I'll recap. I moved in with Chelsa, Damaris and Laura at the 506. Things got messy quick 'cause 4 girls living together can create, or rather merge, all the clutter. And it was only a 2 bedroom apartment. But it was amazing. Then Alison moved in. She's Damaris' friend from Belton/Temple. And later in the year, the girls kidnapped Natasha and she moved in, too. So 6 girls in a 2 bedroom apartment. Talk about living in community. The boys, Jacob, Derek and Trousey, lived down the street.

I dont believe I have enough time to go through all that happened. We took in a stray named Ashley and that lead to me owing almost $1000 to my old apartment. From various hospital visits to engagements, to not having jobs and finally having new jobs. The Father has taken us through so much, it seems like we could all write a book. And we all know He's not done yet. Cause He's still working and we're still trying to listen and love. And through all the tears and laughter, I know that we'd never take any of it back.

Ok, now for me and Jeremy. Its definitely been a fast year. So shortly after breaking off a year and a half long, spiritually damaging relationship with a non-believer, Jeremy and I went back and fourth with dating. I just wasnt sure or wasnt ready for a little bit before I knew I wanted to be with him. That was in June. We got engaged in September and married in March. I know it seems very quick, but I know it couldnt have happened any other way. The Father worked through that bad relationship to create this unbelievable experience with a family of believers that I coudnt have even known how to ask for. I praise Him for doing what he wants.

Not that all is ok. Life gets you weird sometimes. And not necessarily in the way you'd like. Its the weirdest thing in the world to go through depression when you never have before. Because before it actually happens, you dont really believe in it. You just kinda think it happens to people who are either really messed up or have lost all they have. But me? I'm here with an amazing group of friends, the best husband in the world and still I am crying uncontrollably, day after day. I didnt understand it. There was no reason for it. Either stress or subconciously not being able to deal with various things. I was scared in my own house. Terrified at night when we went to bed and scared to death in the morning when I woke up for work. Constantly doubting Jeremy's love for me. I hate it sometimes that I have to be on pills now to be not scared and to not cry so much. Damaris says that one day I dont have to be. That I'll be able to trust Him more than I do and it will be easier to deal with life. I also hate it that it has become hard for me to trust the Father, after all that has happened in the past year. I'll continue writing, and we'll see what the next year brings.